Thursday, July 19, 2012 , 10:27 AM
Please stay on to read my long rants, it's gonna be wordy because I guess I just needs to let all these things in my mind out right now.
I AM TOTALLY HAVING PRE-WEDDING JITTERS.
Now I understand how it actually feels like to be getting married. Getting married is one no-easy matter to deal with, physically and worst of all, mentally. I think it's really freaking me out that I kept feeling uneasy about what's going to happen, that a lot of things are not yet done.
And then, I started blaming around.
I started to blame that why my best friends are not there for me, to help me out. I started to blame my boyfriend for not being helpful enough, for leaving me with all the 'hardships'. I started to blame myself on WHY AM I STILL SO FAT? I also started to blame time for moving too fast. Slowly, I think I am going into depression.
This is my first time (and of course I only want it to happen ONCE), my friends are telling me that it's normal to get wedding jitters........................................... Okay I think it's normal, but, at the same time, still can't control myself but continue to worry for everything.
One of my major worries is that I am still very fat. And almost all my friends knows that I am this fat because I am taking thyroid medications. BUT I AM STILL AFRAID. I am afraid my boyfriend will 'lose face' because his wife-to-be is really ugly and really fat. I am afraid his friends will laugh at him.I have super low confidence now ): Somebody gotta save me before I really do jump off the building (lol). Okay I won't do that.
"The Lubavitcher Rebbe would often say that no one goes to the chuppah(wedding canopy) without a doubt. There is nothing wrong, unusual or problematic with the fact that you are doubting. The only question you need to ask yourself is: what is it that I am doubting?"
Okay it really is normal, because NO ONE goes to the wedding without a doubt.
The nightmare is I really am not sure what I am doubting, other than you know, the physical-fatness and low confidence level I have now. And it's not over, it's happening in two-three days time. How am I gonna face these people? ): DEAD.
Despite my fluctuating mood due to the stress and jitters, babyboy has been there to cheer me and give me support, assuring me that everything is going to be fine. I think I am really lucky and blessed to be marrying someone like him.
Ahhhhh. I just can't relax.
"Yet, if you trust that you are with someone you can speak with, someone who understands you, respects you, and shares the same vision with you, then, as scary as it is, you are doing it together. And knowing that you are not alone in this life-changing move, should be comforting and reassuring, though certainly won’t take away all the fear."
At least Bee has been giving me this feeling that we are certainly facing this and doing this together. I am trying hard to stay strong. Let me embrace this lovely day with a smile. I am tired of frowning ): Sigh, let this be over fast, I can't seem to cheer myself up at all.
Dear _______,
Please bless me on that day. Let things run smoothly, let my guest come with a smile and leave with a wider smile. Please give me magical shower to boost my confidence.
__________________.
Very grumpy.
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